How to Confront the Issue Rather Than Your Partner

We often get caught up in our feelings, making it hard for us to regulate ourselves and validate our partners. Internal issues between two partners can be difficult to navigate, especially when we are working to manage our own feelings about the issue or our partner. But the best thing we can do when faced with relationship issues is to take a step back and think about the problem as objectively as possible. It’s okay if something comes out wrong or if you don’t solve the problem in your first approach. Keep the dialogue focused on the issue rather than your partner, and you’ll both come out of it feeling stronger. Here are a few tips on how to start that process.

First and foremost, let emotions settle before you talk about the problem. It's hard to regulate yourself in the heat of an upset. If something has happened that caused emotions to spike, take a breather before addressing it with your partner. It’s tempting to jump into a conversation about the issue as it arises, but you’ll have a more productive conversation if your brain isn’t cluttered with heightened emotions.

Then, explain how the issue makes you feel. This should not entail a long speech nitpicking your partner’s habits or personality traits. Instead, it should be about you and how you feel when certain things happen. Try using phrases like “I feel (blank) when (blank)” rather than “You always make me feel (blank) when you (blank)” The goal is not to attack your partner but rather make them aware of how you feel in certain situations. Drive the dialogue toward what you need in order to feel better about the situation and how you envision the problem being solved.

Finally, turn your focus toward tackling the issue as a team. Now that your partner is aware of the issue and how it makes you feel, you both have the responsibility of working on it together. If the problem is with your partner, chances are good that they don’t want to hurt or upset you. Regulating our own feelings and validating our partner’s allow us to work toward balance in interpersonal relationships. However, if the issue is external, stemming from finances, work, or the like, it falls to both partners to discuss and navigate the issue together, acknowledging openly that a solution requires checks and balances from both sides to ensure a smooth future relationship.

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