Being Single: Determining What You Want From a Relationship
/Living life as a single person can be a rewarding experience. We have more time to focus on our own wants and needs, learning how to appreciate and care for ourselves along the way. But sooner or later, we may feel the urge to connect with someone in a romantic way. This could be a fleeting feeling satisfied by a one-night stand, or it could be a more persistent desire for long-term companionship. However the urge presents itself, seeking a partner is a natural part of life, and as any good relationship therapist will tell you, it’s important to think about what those urges might be trying to tell you.
Being single is the perfect time to focus on what you want out of a romantic relationship. It helps you better prepare for that first date and the hard decisions you’ll no doubt face along the way. Meditating on this before entering a new relationship ensures we get what we need out of future relationships, making it easier for us to give our partners what they need. The key to a satisfying relationship is having our needs met, which are likely to keep evolving over time. Start by determining your personal relationship needs, and then think about ways you can be flexible to ensure your future partner’s needs are met as well.
Meditating On Your Needs & Wants
Before turning our focus toward building new relationships, it can be helpful to meditate on our own relationship needs. Think about what you need to get out of a relationship, what a comfortable and rewarding relationship looks and feels like to you, and how you expect your partner to work with you in solving problems and overcoming hardships, however they may present themselves. This ensures you know what to look for when you are ready to enter the dating world, and it can give you a greater sense of certainty when making the decision of whether or not to pursue a particular relationship.
Here are a few things to consider:
Deal Breakers - They may include substance abuse, infidelity, or simple hygiene, but whatever our deal breakers may be, they serve two key purposes in a relationship. Determining our deal breakers forces us to think about what we really want out of our life as well as our relationships. But more importantly than that, they give us a sense of control and comfort as we navigate the sometimes rough waters between singlehood and a new relationship. Reflect on what your expectations are, where you can be flexible, and what are grounds for walking away from a relationship.
Lifestyle Choices - It’s okay to have differing lifestyle choices. In many ways, this can foster a sense of individuality in a relationship. However, it’s also important to think about how our lifestyle choices may impact our partner, and how our partner’s may impact us. For instance, the desire to have children is a big one. If you’re sure you want (or don’t want) kids, it’s important to have that in the back of your head early on in a relationship, so you can talk about it with your partner. Other examples may not be so obvious, such as whether you prefer an urban or rural community, financial dependencies, or even dietary restrictions.
Love Language - First coined by Gary Chapman, the 5 Love Languages are the primary ways in which we experience and communicate love: words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. In particular, they indicate what we need from our partner in order to feel loved. These are essentially guidelines to help us better understand and communicate our needs, but they can be a great jumping off point for deeper conversations about our needs for affection, intimacy, respect or trust.
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