A romantic relationship between two people often comes with a commitment that extends beyond one partner and into friend groups and family members on both sides. Many times, these relationships are nowhere near as strong as the one we have with our partner, but when it comes to our partner’s parents, things get a little harder to navigate.

Establishing ground rules and taking charge of our own relationships are some of the most effective ways to temper struggles between our partner and our parents. There isn’t a cure-all when it comes to moderating our partner or members of our family, but there are a few things we can all try to help keep a positive air during family gatherings and familial decision making.

Regulate Your Expectations

Even if you’ve told your partner everything about your parents, don’t assume they are going to act the way you want them to. Before you introduce them to your parents, talk your partner through some of your expectations, your parents expectations, and how you see the relationships functioning.

If you are the one meeting your partner’s parents for the first time, don’t assume they are anything like your partner. It’s not necessarily true that, if you love your partner, you’ll love their parents. Likewise, don’t assume they will immediately like you or that your personalities will click. Allow your partner to take the lead until you begin to form a unique relationship with your in-laws on your own.

Prioritize Your Partner

This goes for both partners. On one hand, the partner with the in-laws must be able to put their partner, the one they aim to share a life with, before their own parents. That doesn’t mean your parents aren’t important. It just means that you are making the commitment to have a lasting relationship. Chances are pretty good that, if you already have a strong relationship with your parents, prioritizing your partner won’t be too much of an issue for them.

On the other hand, if you are the one struggling with your partner’s parents, it’s important to remember that whatever disagreement, personality differences, or otherwise strained feelings exist between you and your in-laws, your relationship with your partner should be the number one priority. It’s easy to let pride get in the way of strengthening our relationships with certain people, but the point of being around your partner’s family is to get to know your partner better, not your in-laws. Talk to your partner about what would be most comfortable for you, even if that means sitting out of some family gatherings. By regulating yourself, you are prioritizing your partner and your most important relationship.

Pick a Solution Rather Than a Side

The push and pull between your partner and your parents can be draining, and it can feel like you are letting people down either way. However, taking charge of a situation and finding a solution to the problem itself is always more effective than trying to argue people into submission. If you’re stuck in the middle, you can’t win by picking one side and upsetting the other. You can only win my tackling the problem head on. If you need to foster a unique relationship with your parents without your partner’s involvement, do it. If your parents offend your partner, it’s okay to moderate a discussion and facilitate an apology without picking one side or another. Communication goes a long way in finding the right solution, so talk with everyone involved before you leap to someone’s rescue.

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